I met Mary J. Blige for lunch at the swanky Peninsula hotel in Beverly Hills.
During that first interview I remember thinking that, unsurprisingly, Blige was relatively low-energy and felt somewhat disconnected.
She was polite and kind, but her sadness seemed painfully obvious.
Jason Kim. Wardrobe Styling by Wayman + Micah at Starworks. Props by Amy Elise Wilson at Sarah Laird. Makeup by Porsche Cooper using MAC Cosmetics. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty. On Mary: Top and bottom by ALO Yoga. Sneakers by PS821. Earrings by Sister Love. Rings by H.CROWNE and Eriness.
This time around felt different.
I had suspected that it might.
It took a lot of prayer, she tells me.
Jason Kim. Wardrobe Styling by Wayman + Micah at Starworks. Props by Amy Elise Wilson at Sarah Laird. Makeup by Porsche Cooper using MAC Cosmetics. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty.
Blige popped up on my Spotify playlist.
On the radio in an Uber.
On my Instagram feed promoting her MAC Love Me French Silk lipstick.
Jason Kim. Wardrobe Styling by Wayman + Micah at Starworks. Props by Amy Elise Wilson at Sarah Laird. Makeup by Porsche Cooper using MAC Cosmetics. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty. On Mary: Bodysuit by Chromat. Sunglasses by Alain Mikli. Shoes by Aquazurra. Earrings by Sister Love. Rings by H.CROWNE and Eriness.
In my email inbox announcing dates for her tour.
Of course, I am predisposed to higher levels of Mary J. Blige exposure than the average American.
Naturally, she was crowned the Queen of Hip-Hop Soul.
Jason Kim. Wardrobe Styling by Wayman + Micah at Starworks. Props by Amy Elise Wilson at Sarah Laird. Makeup by Porsche Cooper using MAC Cosmetics. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty.
Shes collaborated with the highest-caliber performers across multiple genresEric Clapton, Barbra Streisand, Whitney Houston, Jay-Z.
She sang at President Barack Obamas inauguration in 2009.
Anita Baker and Monica paid her tribute at the 2009 BET Honors Ceremony.
Jason Kim. Wardrobe Styling by Wayman + Micah at Starworks. Props by Amy Elise Wilson at Sarah Laird. Makeup by Porsche Cooper using MAC Cosmetics. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty. On Mary: Bodysuit by Ezgi Cinar. Duster by La Moda. Earrings by Sister Love. Rings by H.CROWNE and Eriness.
In June, Rihanna presented Blige with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the 2019 BET Awards.
And, of course, Blige isnt known only for her music and acting.
Its a combination that makes her both larger than life and painfully human.
Jason Kim. Wardrobe Styling by Wayman + Micah at Starworks. Props by Amy Elise Wilson at Sarah Laird. Makeup by Porsche Cooper using MAC Cosmetics. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty. On Mary: Top and bottom by Adam Selman. Earrings by Sister Love. Rings by H.CROWNE and Eriness.
Blige started using drugs as a teenager.
As her star rose, her substance abuse intensified.
At that point, many of us were tuned in to who we thought was Happy Mary.
Jason Kim. Wardrobe Styling by Wayman + Micah at Starworks. Props by Amy Elise Wilson at Sarah Laird. Makeup by Porsche Cooper using MAC Cosmetics. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty. On Mary: Bodysuit by Chromat. Sunglasses by Alain Mikli. Earrings by Sister Love. Rings by H.CROWNE and Eriness.
Then, in 2017, details began to emerge about Bliges ongoing divorce battle.
Happy Mary could no longer keep us from her secrets.
(At no point during our conversation does she refer to her ex by name.
I ask her if she thinks, in hindsight, her ex deserved all that praise.
Well, when I look back, I see that we all want what we want.
And we want it to be the way we want it to be, she says.
I wanted a savior.
Id been hurting so long, and so much, and so bad.
Youre doing it to cover upsomething.
Blige was resistant to seeking outside helpor help from anyone at all.
For years I would not see a therapist," she reveals.
“I just would handle it.
For years, foryears.
It isnt just the idea of baring her soul to outsiders that gives Blige pause.
Everybody thinks they know everything, but nobody really knows, she says.
You only know what I tell you.
And I dont tell everything.
I still cant tell my mother everything that happened in that marriage, she says.
And I wish I didnt do it then, but I had to.
Blige feels that maintaining some semblance of secrecy has helped her to remain composed over the years.
I grew up in a neighborhood where we couldnt tell everything.
It would kill us.
So you know, but you dont [know].
What does it mean to be both at once?
When I felt my lowest, I turned to Blige.
We who love her feel deeply linked to her, moved by her, indebted to her.
ThatStrength of a Womanalbum?
We was going through [your] divorce with you….
I had to go through that for serve.
People are watching, she says.
[So] how do I come out of this unburned, unscathed?
This is my life that was taken from me….
I had to forgive myself for being so stupid, Blige says.
I had to forgive him for everything he did.
She considers her concerts to be healing spaces for her fans.
Nah,” she says.
“This stuff happens so that we can talk.
(Ill admit, I wish I had challenged her on that.
The pain got worse when she returned home, and she finally went to see a doctor.
He told her her toe was broken in three places.
Its a lot of mind over matter for me, she says.
If Im sick, once Im onstage, I dont feel it.
If Im in pain, I dont feel it because its not about me anymore.
Its about the people.
(Okay, but yo dont ever let yourself hurt like that again, Mary.
Ill speak for all the fans when I say we dont want that.)
She performs deeply emotional work for others while looking inward to find what she needs to care for herself.
I consider all of this, what Bliges service to us may have cost her along the way.
Blige has taken on the work of showing up and caring for folks shell never know.
But who does that work for her?
Who is Mary J. Bliges Mary J. Blige?
Blige understands this as well, but seems to accept it.
I dont have a Mary J. Blige, she says.
I got my family.
But I have God.
Thats my Mary J. Blige.
He showed me the truth in me, so I can be transparent.
But I dont have someone I listen to.
Its a very alone place, but it is what it is.
And its always been this.
But right now its about me and little Mary.
Its like thats my baby, my little girl.
She needs my help…and Im not going to ever let anybody hurt her again.
She needs to live, she needs to play.
She doesnt mind her life being used to help someone else….
But I have to take care of her.
Blige has some dedicated self-care practices.
She is intentional about starting her days in quiet conversation with the Creator and with affirmation for herself.
She adheres to a consistent schedule as much as possible.
Im very structured, she says.
With some trepidation, I ask how she feels aboutMy Life,released 25 years ago this November.
I love it, she says.
I love the fact that it is my testimony, and Im here to speak about it.
That album takes on a whole nother life form [now].
My life, right now, is different, she says.
Blige is confidently riding a wave of longevity and celebration in an industry where neither is at all guaranteed.
There are the tours, the Lifetime Achievement Award, the MAC contract, the acting accolades.
She adds that she wants to create stories about people who meant something to us.
Rather, she hopes that her legacy will be her courage.
I said the things that people were afraid to say.
I know what God says about me, she explains.
I accept all that comes with that.
No, she replies, almost immediately.
The way people look at me?
I dont see myself like that.
To me, Im just Mary, she says.
