It’s a warm, peaceful evening in a suburban Dallas neighborhood.
Outside a colonial home with a well-manicured lawn, several cars are parked in the driveway.
He nods toward an attractive couple they had talked to earlier that night.
“I like them,” she says.
“They’re very good-looking.
They smile in agreement and kiss.
Gregory and Jenna are swingers.
“But since we launched 11 years ago, people have opened more than 7 million profiles.”
In the past seven years, SDC has also helped establish four swinger resorts.
So why are more women swinging?
“Their husbands are right there, so it doesn’t seem like cheating.”
“A good number of the swinging couples I see are successful, affluent and Ivy League?educated.
Another theory: Some swingers may be thrill seekers who take risks in other aspects of their life.
And then there’s the thrill of feeling desired and admired by another man.
But what about the glaring drawbacks?
Swinging seems to fly in the face of everything we know that goes into a strong relationship.
So who are these women whose marriage has benefited from swinging?
“Talking about our fantasies and fears has really brought us closer,” she says.
Once both kids were out of diapers, the couple rekindled the flame and began sharing fantasies.
When Kayla revealed she was interested in having sex with another woman, Edward researched swinger sites.
“We had some intense talks over the next few months,” she says.
“What did we expect to get out of this experience?
What were the possible downsides?”
The first couple they met, about six months ago, were suburban parents like them.
Things escalated from there, and they swapped partners.
“I found it liberating and strange and exciting,” Kayla says.
The couple has swung twice since then with different people and plan to do it again.
“The most difficult thing is trying to schedule time to meet!”
Can swinging really help rejuvenate a relationship, as this couple maintains?
In some cases, experts say yes.
Other couples like Jenna and Gregory claim the biggest reward is finding a like-minded community.
“I was intrigued but apprehensive about getting involved,” she says.
With one exception: In one of the rooms, a group of women were hooking up.
After attending a few more parties, Jenna eventually joined in while Gregory watched.
For Jenna, swinging is less about sex and more about camaraderie.
“When I’m having sex with someone else, it’s just for fun.”
Most people aren’t able to wall off the two experiences.”
The inability to compartmentalize is only one reason why swinging isn’t a wise choice for most couples.
“When a couple goes to a swingers party, the sex drive part of their brain kicks in.
And when you orgasm, your body is flooded with oxytocin, which encourages feelings of deep attachment.
So there is real risk of falling for someone else.”
Even if you don’t become emotionally intimate, jealousy can be a factor.
That’s what happened to 35-year-old marketing executive Talia and her husband, Gavin, a 42-year-old business owner.
“We talked about it as if it were something like bondage,” Talia confesses.
“We wanted to use the third person as a way to enhance our relationship.”
Talia doubts they’ll swing again.
Even swingers who maintain they are happy with the lifestyle admit to jealousy and resentment at times.
“It felt like a safe way to live out my fantasy,” she explains.
They found the couple online, met them for drinks and went back to their apartment.
“We had way too much to drink,” Melissa recalls.
I was upset the next day, and Stephen was upset because I was upset.
He kept telling me we didn’t have to do it anymore if I didn’t want to.”
A few months later, however, they both decided to book a vacation at a swingers resort.
“It was completely different from our other encounter,” Melissa says.
“We enjoyed their company.”
“The woman contacted Stephen constantly when they returned to Europe,” Melissa says.
“Once Stephen understood that it was upsetting me, he stopped responding to her.”
But there were a few instances when Melissa acknowledges she was a reluctant participant.
“Or I’d refuse, and we’d get into a huge fight.”
Like Melissa, many women may be ambivalent about swinging or feel forced into it.
Another red flag: the copious amounts of alcohol involved.
Another potential risk is a power struggle between two partners, a dynamic that may destroy the relationship.
“People refer to us as Barbie and Ken,” Elizabeth says with a laugh.
(The couple, married for seven years, have five kids.)
When Chris suggested swinging, explaining that he “wanted to show her off,” Elizabeth felt conflicted.
“But I didn’t want Chris having sex with someone else.
Chris agreed to her terms, and they posted a profile on a swingers site.
The first man they met for drinks was “intelligent, professional and well dressed,” she says.
During the encounter, which took place at a nearby hotel, Elizabeth felt a little awkward at first.
so he felt involved.
“Eventually, Chris got involvedhaving two guys pleasuring me and admiring my body was such a thrill.”
Since then, they’ve swung with six other men, but some encounters were ill-fated.
“A couple of the guys I wasn’t attracted to,” Elizabeth admits.
“I shot him a murderous look, and he stopped,” she says.
“Afterward I said, ‘You crossed the line.
I told you what I could handle and what I could not.’
He apologized, and it hasn’t happened since.
But if he does it again, swinging is over.”
“He may continue challenging the arrangement, which could lead to more conflict.”
So why, even after experiencing the downsides, do women continue to swing?
Theoretically, there are benefits: When couples have good communication, it can build trust and intimacy.
It may very well spice up their sex life, too.
But ultimately, couples who can truly benefit from swinging are in the minority.
“For most women, it’s too extreme.
It lacks the sensitivity they want and need in a relationship.”
“If you don’t trust each other 100 percent, there’s no way it can work.”
Kayla, the Seattle swinger, wholeheartedly agrees.
“But it’s a team sport.
If one of us loses interest, we’re out.”
Names of swingers have been changed to protect privacy.
Photo Credit: Illustration: Izak
