I was getting ready for my fourth date with Kaylyn, and my stomach was in knots.
It wasnt the usual predate jitters, like Id had before our previous outings.
This time, I was nervous because I hadnt felt well all day.
The author, left, with her girlfriend, Kaylyn. Courtesy of Kelley O’Brien
I felt dizzy, nauseous, and achy, my finger too swollen to put my ring on.
The cold sweat dripping from my forehead made it feel like I hadnt even taken a shower.
Though I had considered canceling our date, I opted not to.
Kaylyn knew about my illness, but she hadnt yet seen it.
Luckily, she turned out to be amazing.
On our date, Kaylyn quickly noticed I wasnt well despite my attempts to hide it.
She just wanted to spend time together.
Never had a date treated me with such kindness.
Blood pools in my legs, making them feel heavy.
I get nauseous, and everything hurts.
My head swims, and my vision blurs and blackens.
Ive been accused ofbeing drunk or highwhen really Im grappling with POTS symptoms.
Diagnosed when I was 19 after a series of unexplained fainting episodes, I was referred to a cardiologist.
Currently theres no known cure for POTS, butit can be treated.
My doctors prescribed half a dozen medications and told me to increase my salt and water intake.
None of it seemed to help in any significant way.
I struggled for years, before I was referred to specialists at Cleveland Clinic when I was nearly 25.
My new doctors had a better understanding of my illness, and soon I did too.
I also met other people with POTS for the first time in my life.
It was affirming in ways I cant begin to describe.
I discovered I was sick around the same time I let myself accept that I wasnt straight.
I was a sophomore in college, and a friend told me they werebisexual.
That conversation sparked an epiphany: I wasnt straight either.
I dont know which was a bigger adjustmentlearning I had POTS or realizing I was bisexual.
Each changed how I viewed myself and how others saw me.
I was no longer just Kelley and never would be again.
Now I was Kelley, the sick girl, the lesbian.
These two major realizations in a short amount of time altered the way I approached dating.
But dating didnt exactly go the way I expected.
People hear the words chronic illness and often run as fast and as far as they can.
It stung each time someone stopped talking to me after finding out I was sick.
I didnt blame them, not entirely.
If I feel unwell, I might have to cancel plans at the last minute.
I could potentially faint without warning, forcing them to take care of me.
Still, the rejection never stopped hurting.
Maybe it wasnt fair to judge people Id just met, but I was tired of getting hurt.
Many nights I complained to my best friend about how frustrated I was.
I commiserated with other people on the internet who also hadchronic illnesses, seeking dating tips.
The people giving me advice online knew what they were talking about.
Right away, I knew things with Kaylyn were going to be different.
I told her I was sick during one of the first conversations we had via a dating app.
It was hard to tell through messaging, but she seemed to take it well.
She was incredibly respectful of my feelings, and it made me want to talk to her even more.
We talked for hours, and I went home that night thinking I could really fall for her.
Despite the hardships Id encountered in my life, I grew up to be resilient.
I was creative and funny.
Finally, I met someone who was too.
Kaylyn sympathizes with and supports me, strengthens and encourages me, even on my hardest days.
We laugh together, cry together, cook, create, and grow together.
And in a weird way, I have POTS to thank for that.
Kelley OBrien is a chronically ill lesbian writer living in Ohio.
She enjoys making jewelry, taking afternoon naps, and watchingForensic Fileswith her girlfriend.
you’re free to find her at her website,kelleyobrien.com, and twitter@killjoy_kelley.
