I dont remember the first time sex hurt for me.
But I remember how it feltlike sandpaper tearing at my insides.
The deeper he went, the worse it was.
Design by Stephanie Indrajo
Afterward, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.
I was only 18, just beginning to figure out my way aroundsex.
Wasn’t it supposed to be, at the very least, pleasant?
Sex hurts for more women than we ever talk about, though.
For most of these women, this isnt a chronic issue.
But for some of themwomen like mesex has been hurting for years.
Sex left my pelvis raw and inflamed.
A slew of urologists and gynecologists grasped at any possible diagnosis: UTI,endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disorder.
All the tests came up negative.
One told me it was all in my head.
While there is no proven cause, doctors have their hypotheses.
One common cause thats thrown around, though, is a series of UTIs.
Very often women get these infections and theyre not aggressively treated by their doctors.
Sex became fraught with hang-ups, and my first relationship crumbled.
I tried to hide it from men as I bounced around from one casual situation to the next.
Many women with IC are college students, teenagers, and women on the verge of motherhood.
Medical textbooks show IC patients as being 45-year-old women, says Dr. Kaufman.
Pain during sexand often afteris something patients almost never mention at first, says Kaufman.
But every time he asks if they are experiencing pain, the answer is yes.
During sex, the tip of the penis bumps up against the bladder over and over, he says.
Its a spot that is extremely tender for most IC patients, and its difficult to avoid during sex.
It becomes a vicious cyclepatients recall sex negatively, and they brace for pain each time intercourse begins.
While some patients dont experience very much pain during sex, they generally experience it after.
Dr. Zaslau calls this memory pain.
Theyll feel this responsibility to their partner, so theyll push through the pain."
I spent my days coordinating appointments and applying for county-run insurance.
He felt like home.
But then: sex.
It hurt like hell.
We didn’t finish; I rolled away from him.
He wrapped his arms around me and rolled me right back.
He looked at menaked and humiliatedand I let him.
You’re going to get better, he said.
I’ll help you.
It was months before we had sex successfully.
But Andrew never grew impatient.
Among the medications used to treat IC are Elmiron (pentosan polysulfate), tricyclic antidepressants, and antihistamines.
No one medication helps everybody.
It wasnt transformative, but it was significant.
Its side effects were challenging, but it was worth it.
The IC diet is, for most patients, the foundation of their IC management.
The diet follows no hard rules, though.
Through the years, Andrew and I have had to learn how to navigate these together.
For me, physical therapythe most vulnerable massage you could imagineis the only thing that eases them.
Ten years later, Andrew and I are married with an eight-month-old baby.
I still apologize at times, and Andrew still tells me there is nothing to apologize for.
But there have been times that sex has ended in frustration and tears.
There have been times that my pain has been a rift we must bridge.
My husband fell in love with me at my worst.
And from the beginning, he has known almost instinctively how to deal with the effects of my IC.
But I am less graceful.
But I venture to set aside that instinct and pull him close.
Related:
You might also like: Signs You Might Not Be Getting Enough Vitamin D
