One spring day, I had a full-time job and a seriousor so I thoughtboyfriend.

The next day, a Friday, the magazine I worked for shut its doors.

Two days after that, my year-long relationship came to a screeching halt.

On Monday, I woke up to brilliant sunshine and thought, Now what?

I’d never lost a job, but I’d had my share of breakups.

This time, my boyfriend and I were discussing our plans for the week over brunch.

I suggested bringing him dessert after one of his business dinners.

“You know the thing about this relationship?”

“You think about us.

I think about me.”

“Often, though, we need something to push us into action.”

For me, that weekend when everything fell apart was it.

That doesn’t mean jumping at the first opportunity that comes along, knee-jerk style.

I was certainly doing my share of pausing.

I’d always been tethered to a schedule; now I was free to do what I wanted.

So I booked a midweek vacation to visit friends on the West Coast.

I watched movies in the daytime and ate cupcakes for dinner.

But after three weeks, my pause began to feel more like paralysis.

(There’s only so much daytime movie watching and late-night cupcake eating a girl can do.)

“Because I have no job!”

“And I’ll never find anyone because I’mold!”

That I was ready to move on to the next phase was a good thing, say experts.

One dropped everything to have impromptu cocktails and “strategize” my next move.

The only thing more effective than having friends tell you that you deserve better is believing it yourself.

“Try asking yourself, Who am I when I’m my best self?”

suggests Karen Reivich, Ph.D., codirector of the University of Pennsylvania Resiliency Project.

Yet I couldn’t help wonder about my current career path.

Where was I headed?

Was this all there was?

I wanted more, but I wasn’t sure what “more” was.

Like Reivich, Tillotson recommended that I zero in on my strengths as a starting point.

I’m eager to yo, but I need my efforts to be recognized and reciprocated more than most.

I’m not particularly extroverted or community-minded.

Now I had neither of these things.

I was free to move forward without taking a risk.

The proverbial window of opportunity was open.

At first, I felt strange working on my own.

“You don’t always have to give yes for an answer.

If a deadline seems unreasonable, say so,” she instructed.

With practice, I grew more self-assured, landed assignments and relished my freedom.

I’m an introvert and a workaholic.

Because I rarely go out, I typically met men through fixups.

The candidates were usually work-obsessed, bookish types.

If the elusive chemistry thing was there, I’d think, “Yes, this is it.

I will make this work"even if we had few interests in common.

I said yes, even though we were meeting at an especially noisy restaurant.

But I did notice that he helped me collect my bags at the end of the night.

The next day, he emailed with an invitation to dinner followed by a group karaoke outing.

Instead of cringing (too embarrassing!

), I thought, Why not?

He also worked in the television business and loved TV; I barely know how to work my remote.

But blessed with my new state of open-mindedness, I actually enjoyed our first date.

Over the next two months, we went on a second, third and fourth.

Slowly, I realized that despite our surface differences, we had a lot to talk about.

I also liked that he was close to his family and that he cared about how my day went.

Most important, I could tell he had a big heart.

By summer, I had gotten an offer at another magazine.

“As a result, we conform to expectationsour own and those of others.

I’m an introvert, after all.

There were also ups and downs on the love front.

When my 40th birthday rolled around, W couldn’t have been sweeter.

We went away for the weekend, ate, strolled and ate some more.

I forgot about feeling old.

Yet I continued to worry about our differences.

W has tons of friends and a big family.

Every weekend, he had another plan.

Tillotson assured me that it was OK to turn down these invites occasionally.

“You have to say no when you mean no,” she told me.

“That way, he can trust your yeses.”

When I did, I was pleasantly surprised.

I marveled at how much more relaxed I felt with him once I’d spoken my mind.