I am sitting in a tiny changing room at a mammography center, shirtless, and I am crying.
No reason to, logically: I haven’t even taken my test yet.
Nor have I found a lump.
And when that person shared your genes, it’s doubly fraught.
And what did it feel like when it went wrong?
“I have bad, bad breast cancer,” she said, her voice breaking.
She was three weeks from her 58th birthday.
Months later, I arrived for the visit and discovered I had left the prescription at home.
I quickly offered her my slot and scheduled another one five months down the road.
Now my reprieve is over.
It’s a toxic cocktail that has brought on my paralysis.
For many women,a little anxiety is a helpful kick in the pants.
You already know which camp I fall into.
And there are a lot of us: women who by all rights should know better.
The number was a notch higher for those who had a family history.
But because younger women often have faster growing, more aggressive tumors, early detection is critical for them.
There is in fact no good time to put it off.
Cancer caught through routine screenings tends to be at an earlier, highly treatable stage.
More sophisticated testsand early-detection campaigns have helped increase screening rates and saved lives.
Yet these developments also might give women the willies.
Meanwhile, the move to digital mammography from film machines has created an adjustment period for radiologists and patients.
“The resolution is so improved that we’re picking up more,” Dr. Mahoney says.
And any time a woman gets a call to return to the doctor, alarm bells ring.
“That’s all well and good until it’s you.
Women are understandably concerned because they know so much and know what the possibilities are.”
Genetic testing has added another layer of anxiety.
A test for gene mutations linked to breast cancer is even more distressing than a mammogram.
My mother’s cousin died of breast cancer in her 40s.
No one is sure what my great-grandmother died of, but Mom suspected breast cancer.
But how long do you think it would take me to follow up on that referral?
Denial about the issue runs high, Dr. Massie says.
factor) makes mammogram results so much more accurate.
Shorter wait times for appointments and quick turnarounds on results mean patients aren’t left waiting and wondering.
“It’s important to have a good dialogue,” Dr. Poynor says.
“Ask, ‘What can I expect?
What if it’s positive?
What if it’s negative?'”
And doctors are hard-pressed to guess, because our fears are so individual.
Others’ greatest worry is being alone when they discover they have cancer, so they neglect self exams.
Talking to your doctor about your fears can help the two of you find the best way to cope.
“Then they go out afterward and turn it into a pleasant experience.”
“I really look at it as an obligation.
We are obligated to ourselves and to the people who love us to do this.”
I gave birth to a daughter this summer, so Dr. Massie’s advice hit home with me.
What do I owe my little girl?
And what do I owe her maternal grandmother?
I think about how much better things might have been if the cancer had been detected earlier.
To ask Mom post-diagnosis if she had kept up with her mammograms would have been cruel and pointless.
Still…I know my mother had no love for doctors or for facing up to bad news.
(When the hospice sent someone to our house in her last days, I kept my promise.)
Fear and denial: I am my mother’s daughter.
But would she be proud of my following in these particular footsteps?
But I need her to know that fear of breast cancer is not my mother’s only legacy.
She passed on a love of storytelling and the South.
She loved reading and thrived in her job as a reference librarian.
She taught me how to make a French braid and pecan pie.
Those are things worth living for, things I want to pass on.
Certainly they are worth a few minutes of angst in a New York City screening center.
I pull my hospital gown tight around me, gather myself and head out of the changing room.
And I vow to actually change.
Photo Credit: Sonja Pacho
