Id gone to the bathroom thinking about having tacos for dinner and tackling a looming freelance deadline.
In true working-mom style, it was the first moment Id been able to steal away in hours.
It was a completely normal nightuntil I saw the blood.
The author with her son, Ezra. Courtesy of Julia Dellitt
I called my doctor immediately.
The week before I started bleeding, two positivepregnancytests had given us the news wed been waiting for.
I tried to convince myself everything would be fine.
Spotting can be normal during pregnancy, after all.
Deep down, though, I knew things werent right.
The bleeding hadnt intensified, but it hadnt gone away either.
My mind wouldnt stop fretting.Why did this happen to us?
Am I allowed to be sad, since we already have a healthy kid?
Should I have skipped that HIIT workout?
I nodded my head emphatically, eyes welling up, a lump in my throat.
I knew that, of course, but I also .
kind of needed her to say it a million more times.
She also said that Id have to come back for a second check in 48 hours.
I got the call from my doctor later that day.
On Monday, I was six weeks pregnant.
On Wednesday, my doctor told me I was miscarrying.
I spent the rest of that week waiting for the bleeding to stop and not doing much else.
However, when the fog of grief lifted momentarily, I realized I wanted to share my story.
Its not that miscarriage is at all uncommon: Miscarriage is estimated to happen in around25 percentof pregnancies overall.
In fact, around80 percentof all miscarriages take place during this time.
So, if early miscarriages are so common, why havent I heard more stories like mine?
There are a few possible reasons for that.
But doing things like exercising, working, or otherwise living life doesnt increase a persons chance of miscarriage.
It usually just comes down to unfortunate odds.
This hurts most of all, because it couldn’t be further from the truth.
Once we shared our story, the floodgates opened.
I wouldve never guessedmiscarriagehad happened to so many individuals I knew.
And my personal (non)favorite, Youre lucky it was so early.
I initially didnt know who I could talk to, or if they would understand.
Still, I understand the desire to find silver linings.
Were human, after all, and making sense of tragedy helps us cope with the unpredictability of life.
I even did it to myself sometimes.
I tried to make myself focus on all that my life had instead of all that it didnt.
For my sister, who came over that first awful night to binge-watchRiverdaleand eat leftovers on my couch.
For the unrelenting love of my husband and sweet son.
For sweaty yoga classes followed by giant glasses of red wine with a cheers to surviving shitty things.
But heres what I wish those people who called me fortunate had said instead: Youre not lucky.
You lost a baby who barely had a heartbeat, and it still counts.
It wasnt your fault.
Its OK to be sad.
And youre not alone.
Julia Dellitt is a writer from Des Moines, Iowa.
She can be found at @jul_marie onTwitter, @julmarie onInstagram, and atjulmarie.com.
