All products featured on Self are independently selected by our editors.
However, we may receive compensation from retailers and/or from purchases of products through these links.
Moments later, he steps into the elevator to find his coworker, Bob Benson.
Getty / Prathan Chorruangsak / EyeEm
Pete looks at him, astonished, and says, NOT GREAT, BOB.
I have thought about this moment alotsince the episode first aired in 2013.
In the months following the 2016election, it popped into my head nearly every day.
Rachel Wilkerson Miller
But there are two big reasons Ive started doing it more regularly these days.
First, being honest is a relief.
Second, being honest gives other people an opportunity to show up for you.
And hey, maybe sometimes it wont help!
A lot of people take it as indisputable fact that no one who asks How are you?
wants a real answer.
But…is that really always the case?
Why have we all decided that this is true?
Ideally, what you say should match the level of intimacy you currently have.
Nelson frames this kind of opening up in the context of what she calls the frientimacy triangle.
I found the framework (and the book!)
to be a really helpful tool, so I contacted her to talk more about it.
Positivity, because its a baseline requirement, forms the base of the triangle.
But in this usage, positivity is not about being intractably upbeat.
Positivity does not refer to what were talkingabout, Nelson tells SELF.
Its still our job to check that people leave the conversation feeling valued.
Lets say youre going through a divorce.
As for everyone in the middle?
Share a little and see how the person responds, Nelson says.
Pay attention to social cues.
Are they asking questions?
Is it only one-way sharing?
Its always appropriate to share whats going on in your life, Nelson says.
But we shouldnt beprocessingwith the people at the bottom of the triangle.
Ive been there too.
But Nelsons tips have helped me think about my relationships as awholeinstead of focusing on every individual interaction.
Extremely vague approach:Eh, Ive been better, honestly!
A little less vague:Honestly, its been a rough few [days/weeks].
The point is to convey Im not OK and I dont really want to get into why.
But Im hanging in there!
Even more forthcoming; can be specific or vague; doesnt even require being asked How are you?
:Hey, I just wanted to let you know that my mom was recently diagnosed with cancer.
No need to worryshe has great doctors and I have a good support system in place.
Shell be moving into hospice care later this week.
Im doing my best to keep it together, but Im devastated.
Sometimes, being honest can feel like self-care; other times, it might feel like a burden.
Rachel Wilkerson Miller is the author ofDot Journaling: A Practical Guideand a formersenior editor at BuzzFeed.
you could follow her onTwitterandInstagram, and read her bloghere.
