A friend and I were commiserating over drinks, as we so often did.
That afternoon I needed the commiseration.
When the doctor entered the exam room, he wouldnt touch me, much less examine me.
Fanatic Studio/Gary Waters/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY
I did not feel the jarring cold of his stethoscope on my breastbone.
I did not feel his hands dig into my abdomen.
He did not meet my eyes.
He simply looked away, told me to come back when Id lost weight, and left.
But nearly every doctor I saw insisted on significant, immediate weight loss.
They wanted me to have a go at become thineven though most diets fail.
It was the carrot-on-a-stick that I knew Id never reach.
Only thinness could deliver the prize of health-care providers who would deign to treat me.
Despite years of my best efforts, I had never delivered thinness to them.
So they hadnt delivered health care to me.
My chest fluttered as I told my friend about it, my voice thick with grief and adrenaline.
Even as I told her, I felt ready to run.
It felt silly, feeling this strongly about something so mundane as a doctor visit.
While I was swallowed up by anxiety and adrenaline recounting the story, my friend had hardened.
When she finally responded, her voice was cold.
You know, skinny shaming isnt any better.
I hadnt seen her this way before, all sharp edges and hard resolve.
Of course it isnt good, I said, confused by her non-sequitur.
Nobody should be shamed for their size or their looks.
Then why dont you talk about that?
My confusion deepened, now joined by suspicion and irritation.
I mean, global warming is also bad, but Im not talking about that right now.
Im trying to tell my friend about my day.
I knew I had abandoned productivity, but I felt quietly frustrated.
Why could we be there for each other in our relationships, but not in our bodies?
What about this event had so stricken her, troubled her?
Her empathy had turned off like a tap.
We didnt get that far or that deep.
They responded as if discussions of fatness somehow detracted from their own experiences.
When my friend invoked skinny shaming, what she was saying was that her experience mattered too.
And she was right.
Of course it mattered, and of course I knew that.
But it was also a red herring.
I hadnt said her experience didnt matter, and I wouldnt.
She was my friend; I loved her.
I wanted to support her, and I wanted to feel the reciprocity of that support.
But something about justtalking aboutan experience she didnt share had led to a near-complete shutdown.
Skinny shaming isnt any better.
Body shaming someonethat is, denigrating a person based on their bodyis wholly wrong.
No one should be judged or mocked because of their size, shape, appearance, or ability.
But judgment is different from systemic exclusion.
Those individual aggressions are harmful and inexcusable.
But thoseindividual, interpersonal instances are differentthan being denied the ability to meet even your most basic needs.
It is a different problem than a court ruling that its not illegal to fire someone forgaining weight.
In that way, shaming thin people is an individual aggression, not a systemic one.
It is different than requiring job applicants to meet or fall below a certain BMI.
And skinny shaming is different from being the target of a lengthy and grueling war on obesity.
No, thin people shouldnt be shamed.
But too many thin voices fall silent when it comes to tackling that institutional exclusion of fat people.
In that way, my friend was an exemplar.
Skinny shaming isnt any better was a rejoinder to end the conversation.
But what differentiates them is all the moments leading up to that, and all the moments after.
In the immense structures of anti-fat bias, the individual act offat shamingplays only a relatively small part.
My friend who invoked skinny shaming didnt seem to grasp all that, or wouldnt.
Because acknowledging the immensity of anti-fatness would have required her to acknowledge that she had some level of privilege.
It would require decentering herself just long enough to acknowledge what she hadnt experienced.
And all of that would require her to sit with her discomfort.
Few of uswantbody shaming to happen.
Indeed, it can also be invoked as a way to shirk accountability for their own complicity.
Yes, lets fight body shaming together.
Even when youre not being personally targeted.
