Youre so brave to wear that.
I wish I had your confidence.
I didnt take it in the first time she said it, this new colleague.
Monica/Adobe Stock
I was distracted, anxiously preparing for the important work meeting that was about to begin.
My breath was shallow and quick, heart fluttering like a hummingbird in my rib cage.
For the first time, Id be representing my nonprofit organization in a national meeting.
I smiled apologetically and told her I hadnt caught what shed said.
I smiled and thanked her for the compliment, but I couldnt figure out what she meant.
Like most young professional women, Id learned to dress crisply without attracting attention to myself.
Her comment stayed with me for days, percolating in the back of my mind.
What distinguished my style from that of my peers?
What had been so brave about wearing such a thoroughly unremarkable, standard dress?
What made my black sheath dress so brave, my confidence so enviable?
I tried to find explanations, but I reliably came up short.
Out of everything she said, youre so brave had thrown me the most.
Every definition I knew of bravery relied on first feeling fear.
After all, whats brave about doing what doesnt intimidate us?
My heart broke for her and ached with isolated frustration for myself.
These so-called compliments are at once well intended, backhanded, and ubiquitous.
This practice has become so commonplace that Lizzo called it out in aGlamourprofile on the singer.
If you saw Anne Hathaway in a bikini on a billboard, you wouldnt call her brave.
Sometimes they come from people who struggle with their own confidence and self-esteem.
Sometimes they come with a touch of yearning.
Whatever their tone, theyre often intended as heartfelt compliments.
The womans compliments, as with most aimed at fat peoples perceived bravery, werent sinister.
Self-confidenceis a wonderful thing, of course.
Its risky and liberatory to do and wear what you want, despite what anyone else thinks.
These compliments reveal more about the person paying them than about the fat person receiving them.
Fat people are only brave if you expect us to be ashamed.
I didnt feelconfidentorbraveabout my body that day.
I didnt feelanythingabout my body that day.
I felt distracted, anxious about making the right impression.
I wanted to make my coworkers proud, to represent our work well.
But to the thin woman who complimented me, that was all overshadowed by my body.
