This story has mentions of weight loss, disordered eating, and suicidal ideation.
It is the eve of Remi Baders 30th birthday.
But this newfound sense of ease hasnt come without its challenges.
Ronny Kobo jumpsuit. Jimmy Choo pumps.
A quick look online makes it clear that her fan base has noticed and wants answers.
At the same time, shes tired of onlookers who insist that losing weight must equate to her happiness.
No, you’re literally fucking wrong, she says.
Coperni x Puma dress. Jimmy Choo boots. Jenny Bird earrings and ring.
The truth is that Bader survived one of the scariest, most transformative years of her life.
Now, on the upswing of recovery, Bader is ready to tell her story on her own terms.
I loved being curvy my whole life; I just did.
Coperni x Puma dress. Jenny Bird earings and ring.
It was who I was.
Bader built an online following doing something most people hate: trying on clothes.
But she was having fun with it.
Ronny Kobo jumpsuit.
And people loved it.
Diet culture and weight struggles are a throughline in Baders life.
Hailing from Manhattan, Bader estimates she went on her first diet at around 10 years old.
Ronny Kobo jumpsuit.
Bader says she regularly felt hounded by her family to lose weight.
At one point a family member even offered her a thousand dollars to lose 20 pounds.
I would always do the diet and restrict cycle, which only got worse over time, Bader says.
Tory Burch dress. The Great Sweatshirt.
It’s scaring me because I cant seem to snap out of it.
She was diagnosed with binge eating disorder later that year.
I loved being curvy my whole life; I just did.
Tory Burch dress. Jenny Bird earrings.
It was who I was, she says.
So when her health issues came to a head, she felt like it was a battle with herself.
I will always believe that you could be a bigger size and be healthy and happy.
I was for a while, that wasnt a lie.
But there was a point when it shifted, and I became really unhappy.
It didnt work, so her doctor put her on Ozempic, also because she was prediabetic.
After leaving the program, her binges returned almost immediately.
In September, she gave Mounjaro a try, very secretly.
This is the worst thing I could be doing, she thought at the time.
I just talked about how I went to treatment…. No one could ever know about this.
The vomiting persisted anyway, and Bader decided to go off the medication for good.
In a last resort, in June 2023, she tried Vyvanse as prescribed by her doctor.
But that didnt work either.
I didnt know [I gained weight], Bader says.
It was the internet that really told me.
I wouldnt even really look in the mirror at my body.
I would only look at my face.
All of the yo-yoing left Bader with emotional whiplash, and her eating disorder came back with a vengeance.
I didnt know [I gained weight], Bader says.
It was the internet that really told me.
I wouldnt even really look in the mirror at my body.
I would only look at my face.
Other physical effects of her binging were harder to ignore.
She couldnt film hauls anymore because they became so difficult.
She had sleep apnea.
She also started having a full period, constantly.
My doctor told me I was becoming infertile, she says.
And I would say that definitely scared me more compared to other things.
I was just so uncomfortable, she says.
But she pushed through.
And maybe that was also when I was just like, I’m done, she says.
Bader grappled with this tension.
I think its a constant battle of:What do I do that’s right?
What do I do for everyone else?
What do I do for me?It actually was making me lose my mind.
Bader neverjustwanted to lose weightand she certainly didnt want to do it for anyone else.
She was ready to get off the Ferris wheel: She wanted to feel better.
But nothing could have prepared her for what was to come.
I couldnt tell people.
I reallyI wanted to die.
It was the fall of 2023, and Bader decided to act fast.
Shed watched TikTok videos about weight loss surgery.
The idea was scary, but she knew she needed a change and felt out of options.
She asked herself: If no one existed, what would I do?
I would get the surgery.
So she called her back surgeon to ask for a referral.
I called him the next morning.
The doctor told her to schedule an appointment, and Bader asked for it to be virtual.
I didnt want to go in person and [have] people see me, she says.
There are multiple types of bariatric, or weight loss, surgery.
A sleeve gastrectomy removes 80% of the stomach so it cant hold as much food.
Bader says the doctor worried it would make her too nutrient deficient.
The description of the new procedure gave her pause.
I dont know if I should be doing something Ive never heard of, she thought at the time.
But she had already decided to move ahead with it.
Bader was excited but anxious.
I just want to let you know Im doing this for me and my health.
But they said, Do whatever is best for you.
She was under the impression that the recovery process would be relatively quick.
But thats not what happened.
I need to say that it was the most brutal thing.
I get the surgery.
I was in recovery hours, hours, hours, hours, throwing up.
It was not normal.
I was supposed to leave [the hospital] in one day.
I could not stop projectile vomiting, and I couldnt drink water.
They wont let you leave if you cant drink water, she says.
I actually cant explain how horrible it was.
After three full days she was discharged, and went to stay with her parents to recover.
They didnt know what to do.
They saw how sick I was.
No one knew what to do.
This went on for six weeks: She couldnt eat or drink, and the vomiting continued.
(Dr. Ren-Fielding says the recovery time for SADI-S is usually one to two nights in the hospital.
The entire recovery process, she tells her patients, is two to three weeks.)
From the surgery in December to mid-February, Bader says she was not fucking okay.
I couldnt tell people.
I reallyI wanted to die.
Bader says both helped.
She celebrated Valentines Day with her boyfriend, and felt like things were going really well between them.
To her surprise, one week later, the relationship ended.
The days and months that followed had their ups and downs, but slowly she regained her confidence.
It happened very subtly, she says.
She became motivated to figure out how to care for herself.
My binge eating is better, Bader says.
The surgery has made it so she has to be very careful with what she consumes.
You cannot drink and eat within the same 30 minutes, she says.
Its also making me nauseous at the same time.
Shes dealt with other side effects too.
I never thought it would be this quick, she says.
It’s really confusing to be so quickly in a different body but have the exact same brain.
I will never regret having my time to heal, and Im still healing and figuring it out.
A few days after we meet, Bader posts snapshots from her 30th birthday celebration on TikTok.
(Even 50 Cent makes an appearance.)
But there is always more to what we see online.
Ive never looked like this.
Ive never felt this way.
Ive never been this size, she says.
So when people comment now, Tiny, skinny.
Oh my God, your legs, your arms, this, this, thats really triggering for me.
Bodies are complicated, after all, and so is taking care of them.
When you go through a major transformation, its normal to have conflicting feelings around those changes.
I have more energy.
All of my health stuff went back to normal after years and years and years.
I have zero knee pain…I have less back pain.
I have normal periods again, she says.
But weight loss isnt a magic bulletit doesnt make all of our problems go away.
Bader feels this deeply.
I was lost with my identity before, she says.
I wasnt big enough at first and plus-size enough at first for the plus-size community.
Then I became too big…for some brands even to work with.
Now Im too small?
I actually dont know where Im supposed to be.
She recently launched a collection with Sams Club and made sure that it went up to a 6x.
I still believe in that, she says, though she finds she gets some resistance.
I just think its fascinating, the way the world is treating me, she says.
People are like, Well, you no longer relate to us.
And I’m like, Why is that fair?
When asked if she regrets the surgery, she says today she doesnt think so.
I dont want people to go and run and get a surgery that Im not fully advocating for.
Im saying, I think it helped me, but will it help me in a year?
What if I gain all the weight back?
What if I get sick from the [lack of] nutrients?
Im not a doctor.
I dont have it all figured out.
I think Ive let so many people take my power away for a long time, she says.
Ultimately, she wants her followers to know she is still, well, Remi.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, help is available.
you could ping the Alliance for Eating Disorders' fully-staffed helpline at 1-866-662-1235 or visittheir websitefor additional support.
it’s possible for you to also reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifelineby calling or texting 988 anytime.
Theres a lot that peopleincluding health care professionalsget wrong about the connection.
The body positivity movement failed.
As a health brand, its our responsibility to shape what comes next.
Photography: Sofia Alvarez.
Wardrobe styling: Virginia Ray.
Hair: Jerome Cultrera.
Makeup: Natalie Lageyre.
Production: Melissa Kramer.
