The first time I ran 3 full miles without stopping, it was almost by accident.
The first practice is always easy, they said.
On that cool and humid August day in Michigan, the team huddled together for the firstrunof the season.
The writer running cross-country in high school
Head out for an easy three miles, the coach said.
We took off on the path that lines Grand Traverse Bay.
Along the out-and-back course, the faster runners cheered us on when they passed us after the turnaround.
The author running cross-country in high school
Laura and I would be in the same AP classes.
Keyana was taking a few honors classes.
We all had the same lunch hour.
Courtesy of the author
By mile 2, I really didnt think Id make it.
The feeling of my lungs burning and my legs heavy underneath me was all new.
Somehow, we all finished together, greeted by high fives from the rest of the team.
I felt like I was going to die, andit felt awesome.
I liked running, so I kept at it.
I now realize that this time running was invaluable during my impressionable teen years.
To say I was busy in college would be a gross understatement.
I played clarinet and later served as drum major in the Northwestern University marching band.
I helped raise thousands of dollars for charity as my sororitys philanthropy chair.
I was an editor at the school newspaper.
I barely had time to sleep, let alone pursue hobbies.
I still managed to find time to run, though.
It wasnt just a hobby at this pointit was what kept me feeling like myself.
Running helped me wind down and clear my head after a stressful deadline.
It wasnt punishmentit was bliss.
Running became part of me.
At the time, I was battling an especially fatiguing bout of depression that was exacerbated byinsomnia.
I was also working two jobs to get to save up money to move across the country.
Stimulants seemed like the perfect solution.
For a short while, they were.
When I was using, I would work, work, workbut I was actually slow and non-productive.
Within months of taking that first pill, I was using on the regular.
When I had energy, all I wanted to do was work.
When I crashed, all I wanted to do was sleep.
I didnt eat much.
Plus, working out wasnt fun anymore.
My muscles were tight (another possible side effect) and I would fatigue easily.
During treatment, I was warned about cross-addiction, which is when a person substitutes one addiction for another.
For example, some people will quit drugs only to start compulsively shopping.
I didnt think that would apply to me, though.
(By this time I lived in California, where I had a medical marijuana prescription for insomnia.)
I was wrong about cross-addiction.
I still wasnt running.
I blew off freelance deadlines.
I yelled at friends for no reason.
What happened to the woman who finished a marathon at age 20?
Who went running nearly every day?
Who excelled at work and academics, never missing a deadline or flaking on a project?
Who loved her friends dearly and tried hard to show them they were loved?
Who would never steal, let alone lie, to her family and doctors?
I didnt know anymore.
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At first, my runs (if you could call them that) were painfully slow and short.
The guilt consumed mehow could I let it get this bad?
I had also gained 50-plus pounds during addiction and recovery, which made running more difficult.
I kept at it, though, and supplemented my running with easybikingto give my body a break.
It wasnt fun, but in my heart, I knew it was necessary.
I learned several lessons during addiction recovery that enabled me to stick with running despite the frustrations.
It took me about two years to get clean.
I beat myself up after every relapse.
Up until now, I had been successful at nearly everything I attemptedwhy was recovery so hard?
But I knew that I couldnt give up, and I had to swallow my pride and keep trying.
I also had to overcome my perfectionist tendencies and my neurotic ambition.
To overcome my addiction to study drugs, I had to learn to separate my self-worth from my accomplishments.
I also had to learn to be OK with relaxing and doing less.
I had to learn tobe kinder to myselfand accept my limitations.
Without these lessons, I dont know if I would have been able to start running again.
It wasnt very fun.
I wasnt my old self.
But thanks to recovery, I was OK with all of that.
I was OK with being imperfect.
I was OK sucking at running.
I was going to be OK.
When I was offered a chance to attend theJamaica Reggae Marathonfor no charge as press, I couldnt refuse.
The series of races included a half-marathon and10K, so I signed up for the 10K.
By race day, I had been run-walking two or three times a week for 20 to 30 minutes.
The 10K would take at least an hour.
I decided to apply the Easy does it mantra to the race and see what happened.
Our group of reporters and bloggers became fast friends through our mutual interest of running and the outdoors.
A couple of miles into the race, my legs felt light and my spirits were high.
I had done it.
I had overcome my fears.
I had trained to the best of my ability.
I took it easy, and I did it.
I run for my health.
I run to process my thoughts and feelings.
I run because it feels good, even when its hard.
I run for myself.
I have myself back.
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