In a far corner of the room hangs a framed print that reads, Someone just killed me.
Henson and I both watched the video of the presiding judge hugging Guyger.
We both saw the court officer fixing Guygers hair.
Micaiah Carter. Wardrobe Styling by Shibon Kennedy at Cartel & Co. Prop Styling by Kate Stein at Magnet Agency. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Makeup by Ashunta Sheriff-Kendricks at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Gina Edwards at See Management. On Taraji: Top and skirt by Aisling Camps. Earring by L’Enchanteur. Cuffs by Jennifer Fisher.
It disgusts me, Henson says with such force that it makes me sit up straight.
Who knocked the dust off the Exonerated Five’s shoulders when they were all sentenced to prison?
This woman actually took someone’s life.
Micaiah Carter. Wardrobe Styling by Shibon Kennedy at Cartel & Co. Prop Styling by Kate Stein at Magnet Agency. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Makeup by Ashunta Sheriff-Kendricks at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Gina Edwards at See Management. On Taraji: Blazer by No Sesso. Top by Norma Kamali. Pants by Unravel. Shoes by 3.1 Philip Lim.
It makes me sick to my stomach.
I have no answers for Henson, but shes not really looking for them from me.
SELF is a health media brand; smashing the stigma around mental illness is part of our mission.
Micaiah Carter. Wardrobe Styling by Shibon Kennedy at Cartel & Co. Prop Styling by Kate Stein at Magnet Agency. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Makeup by Ashunta Sheriff-Kendricks at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Gina Edwards at See Management. On Taraji: Jacket by Gucci. Rings, right hand, by L’Enchanteur.
All my life I’ve been bubbly and the life of the party, she says.
Things started to shift for me when Trayvon Martinwhen that happened.
His killing stoked special pain for Henson, whose son, Marcell Johnson, was close to Martins age.
Micaiah Carter. Wardrobe Styling by Shibon Kennedy at Cartel & Co. Prop Styling by Kate Stein at Magnet Agency. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Makeup by Ashunta Sheriff-Kendricks at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Gina Edwards at See Management. On Taraji: Top and skirt by Aisling Camps. Earring by L’Enchanteur. Cuffs by Jennifer Fisher.
That’s when I noticed anxiety started kicking in, she says.
She feared that even her own fame wouldnt be enough to protect her son.
They’re not going to [recognize] Taraji’s son out here on these streets, she says.
Micaiah Carter. Wardrobe Styling by Shibon Kennedy at Cartel & Co. Prop Styling by Kate Stein at Magnet Agency. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Makeup by Ashunta Sheriff-Kendricks at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Gina Edwards at See Management. On Taraji: Jacket by Gucci. Top by Monse. Rings, right hand, by L’Enchanteur.
It’s me that is the star.
My grandmother is 95 years old, she says.
Constantly, every day, we’re reminded.
Micaiah Carter. Wardrobe Styling by Shibon Kennedy at Cartel & Co. Prop Styling by Kate Stein at Magnet Agency. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Makeup by Ashunta Sheriff-Kendricks at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Gina Edwards at See Management. On Taraji: Top and skirt by Aisling Camps. Earring by L’Enchanteur. Cuffs by Jennifer Fisher.
It’s a lot.
She also deals withdepression, which she describes as a darkness that comes over her.
It’s hard to climb up out of it, she says.
Micaiah Carter. Wardrobe Styling by Shibon Kennedy at Cartel & Co. Prop Styling by Kate Stein at Magnet Agency. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Makeup by Ashunta Sheriff-Kendricks at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Gina Edwards at See Management. On Taraji: Jacket by Gucci. Top by Monse. Briefs by Hanro. Shoes by Aquazarra. Rings, right hand, by L’Enchanteur.
She had $700 in her bank account and her two-year-old son in tow.
There were [times] where I didn’t know how the story was going to end.
Henson is firm that she not be portrayed as a mythical font of endless strength.
Micaiah Carter. Wardrobe Styling by Shibon Kennedy at Cartel & Co. Prop Styling by Kate Stein at Magnet Agency. Hair by Tym Wallace at Mastermind Management Group. Makeup by Ashunta Sheriff-Kendricks at Mastermind Management Group. Manicure by Gina Edwards at See Management. On Taraji: Jacket and skirt by Eckhaus Latta. Bra by Hanro. Gold chain necklace by Alighieri. Silver necklace by Mounser. Silver cuff by Jennifer Fisher. Gold bracelet by L’Enchanteur.
She sees the strong black woman trope as deeply harmful.
There are some times where I feel absolutely helpless, she says.
Everybody feels like that.
Just because I’m a black woman, don’t put that strong-superhero thing on me.
She landed the iconic Yvette role in the 2001 John Singleton filmBaby Boy.
Once the shoot wrapped, there was about a year between the end of filming and the movies release.
I had to literally go back to substitute teaching until the film came out, she says.
Next, Henson appeared inThe Division, a Lifetime Original television series.
Then Henson was cast as Cookie Lyon onEmpire, which debuted in 2015.
At first Cookie scared her.
She was so real and so raw, Henson recalls.
I wasn’t sure I understood her.
In time, she has settled into the character.
She’s the moral compass, Henson says.
Cookie’s that friend who fights the bullies for you.
The path wasnt as easy or straightforward as it sounds on paper.
There were a lot of nos before I got the yeses, she says.
Years of rejections exacted a psychological toll, as did fighting to be paid what she was worth.
Art is therapeutic for me, she says.
Mental wellness, however, often requires more than just reliance on things that feel therapeutic.
I had aligned all my chakras, and I still wanted to headbutt a bitch, she jokes.
In all seriousness: The therapy came into play out of necessity, she says.
(Hensons sons father was murdered in 2003, and her own father died in 2006.)
It was like, Okay, I’m not a professional.
We both need help, she says.
It took several therapists before Henson found the One.
When you find that right person, oh my God, the sky cracks open, she says.
There’s a shorthand between us.
We speak the same language because we’re from the same world.
Sidibe says she felt like sharing her therapist with others was just the right thing to do.
It wouldn’t be fair to keep this mental wellness to myself.
Henson was on board, in no small part because she knew that Sidibe had done the work herself.
She’s Gabby, honey, Henson muses.
I love Taraji, Sidibe says.
I just wanted to give her something that was just for her.
A space to check in with herself.
And thats what she got.
But then no one saw it, she says.
In her exasperated laughter is the unavoidable truth: you could think of yourself as strong or weak.
I would get so low, really, really low, beaten, like never before, she says.
I just want to sleep in, but you don’t feel heavy.
I was just starting to feel heavy a lot, [like] suffocating….
It just came out of nowhere.
At first, she didnt think these emotions were related to menopause.
Then she started doing the math: I’m like, Well, you are pushing 50, girl.
At some point things are going to change.
Menopause,according to the Mayo Clinic, is diagnosed once youve gone a year without a period.
It usually happens in your 40s or 50s, but the average age is 51.
With that said, shes doing her best to adjust.
It doesn’t bog me down.
I do things that make me feel vivacious and young at heart.
If I smother the little TJ inside, I’m going to stop living.
Find you a group of women that are going through the same thing.
Talk and laugh about it, she says.
Hensons work from her substitute-teaching days partially informs her advocacy work today.
A few stories stand out to her from that time.
That hurt me to my core, she says.
I was like, Something has to be done.
We have to be invested in our children.
Henson remains fiercely committed to helping black children.
What is a five-year-old going through that they don’t want to live anymore?
Where are we in this society where babies don’t want to live?
In 2018 she launched the nonprofitBoris Lawrence Henson Foundationto diminish the stigma around mental health in the black community.
The foundation helps schools create peace corners, or areas in classrooms for students to safely express their feelings.
We expect him to come to school and sit down and be studious, she says.
We put too much on them.
If I’m your friend, I can’t judge you, she says.
I just can’t.
I could do something, and I wouldn’t want you to turn your back.
No one is perfect.
I ask her whether sticking by these folks has had consequences for her.
At the end of the day, I can love a person through their flaws, you know?
People have had to love me through my flaws.
She says that the love from her people is integral to her mental health.
Henson discusses her friendships as if shes preparing me for a girls trip.
When I got home with my son, that house smelled like Clorox.
She cleaned that house from top to bottom, she reminisces.
Then, of course, theres the friend who is directly responsible for Hensons upcoming nuptials.
This is weird, and I don’t want to embarrass you, she remembers saying to Sheriff.
Still, Sheriff insisted, and Henson finally acquiesced.
Henson compares him to a bear (big, cozy, comfy).
We shook hands and I swear I heard angels, she says.
Thats the joke I tell.
Henson thought Hayden was a good-looking athlete who has his way with women.
Whenever he would fall asleep, [Id think,] Oh, you cheating on me?
Miscommunications like these led to a breakup, she says.
Hensons friends warned that she was being rash, telling her to not just block and delete him.
I believe I’m worth the fight, she adds.
The fight in him is what convinced her he was serious.
Granted, one persons grand gesture could be another persons impetus for a restraining order.
He had to suck in his pride and he still didn’t stop.
She grins while recounting the rough patch.
I said, That’s my husband.
Thats foolish to believe, she says.
How do you maneuver and do the work with this other person involved?
That’s the real work.
Shes speaking from experience.
Instead, shes learning to pause.
He’s still working with me on it.
You just don’t put that down, she says.
It’s a rewiring, and he’s very patient with me.
I said, Im not looking for perfection, God.
Im looking for somebody who wants to do the work.
Beyond her advocacy work with the foundation, Henson has a lot going on professionally.
Im trying to make mailbox money.
Then theres her upcoming business venture.
I like to share my secrets, Henson says.
I want everybody to love their hair the way I love mine.
I got the first batch of samples here, and I want to scream.
I just can’t believe my dream has finally come true.
It’s meant for anybody, she saysbut her enthusiasm about the lines offerings for natural hair is undeniable.
Though she has a lot on her shoulders, Taraji P. Henson is more than okay.
Is there more to distancing oneself from that trope than crying a lot and getting a therapist?
Can black women reject strength when our survival demands it?
Over and over she explains that people cant help us unless we tell them what we need.
My classmates and I are doing an exercise in which we break into pairs and practice mindful listening.
I am partnered with a man.
I speak, and he listens.
Then, surprising myself, I start crying.
The exercise awakened a basic human need Id forced out of my awareness.
I share this with the group, and my classmates comfort me.
When I let them, I realize that this jot down of support cant take root without my permission.
By some definitions, its a physical property marked by its ability to absorb all forms of light.
Blackness contains every hue, but on the surface it looks deceptively cohesive.
Its about exalting in and valuing the myriad ways that softness and support propel us forward.
I’m a whole black woman, whatever comes with that, she says.
I’m all of that.
