Telling your partner about your pastsexlife can be both exhilarating and excruciating.
First up, Caroline K., 30, and her boyfriend Chuck B., 31.
They started dating in their late 20s and have opposite instincts about just how forthcoming they should be.
(c) Lise Gagne
Caroline:We’d both dated other people before.
I’d had morerelationshipsGod, I guess five serious boyfriends if you include high school.
Caroline:I’m a really curious person, especially when it comes to people I love.
(c) Lise Gagne
Chuck basically likes to pretend we were both virgins when we started dating each other.
I had found the person I wanted to spend my life with.
I thought not talking about the past was a way of saying, “Who cares?
You blow everyone else out of the water.”
I came to understand that Caroline was interested because she wanted to know everything about me.
Once I realized it was an expression oflove, I was really moved.
Caroline:In the beginning, he would hold things back.
I didn’t know anything else.
Chuck:I still struggle to open up, only because it doesnt always come very naturally to me.
I later found out he and an ex had had sex there for the first time.
Would it have been better not to know at all?
Or to know everything upfront?
I vote the latter, Chuck usually votes the former.
Chuck:Sharing has brought us closer together emotionally, and it’s made our sex life even better.
But baring ourselves to each other with abandon is hot.
It adds another dimension to sex that I didnt know existed before.
Caroline:I’ve only ever been relieved to hear the fleshed-out stories of his sexual past.
If that weren’t the case, I think the sharing could get really rough, really quickly.
They met during their senior year of college and got married around a year later.
Jo:My sexual history started when I was 11 because I was sexually abused for four years.
I first had consensual sex when I was 14.
He was my best friends brother, and it was my way of making him like me.
After therapy, I got a lot better.
I felt very angry and sad to hear about Jo’s sexual abuse.
It felt like there was nothing I could say or do to help her through that pain.
There were no rules as to what we could and couldnt share with one another.
This all made sense when Dawn eventually told me she wastransgender.
Dawn:I haven’t handled knowing Jo’s sexual history as well as I wish I had.
The worst thing I could have done was use that knowledge against her.
I should just be glad she’s OK in this moment and didn’t get any STIs.
It ended up being a good thing that we communicated and I shared my insecurities.
Jo:The best part about sharing our sexual histories is realizing how comfortable we are with one another.
Talking to Dawn about sex is like talking to my best girlfriend about sex.
It’s very natural and organic.
The hardest part is dealing with the fact that I do have a history of sexual abuse.
I wasrapedfor four years straight, and on four different occasions, raped again.
I get flashbacks sometimes, and I know it’s hard for her to see me go through that.
Knowing about my past risky behavior was also tough for her at some points in our marriage.
Dawn:Sharing our sexual histories has made us stronger.
There is literally nothing to hide, and that creates a feeling of freedom.
Communication is key in any relationship and can strengthen the bond between two people who love one another.
I would advise other couples to share, too.
If someone really cares about you, they’ll realize there’s more to you than just your past.
Photo Credit: StudioThreeDots/Getty Images / Lise Gagne/Getty Images
