This article contains spoilers forTo the Boneand descriptions of disordered eating.
For the past six years, I’ve been in recovery from aneating disorder.
These movies often follow a script in more ways than one.
Courtesy of the author
I ended up watching it anyway.
Im going to eat and then ‘you know.’
Im kinda scared because of what you told me about the blood.
I want to be a small cheerleader.
Weight is hard to lose.
But Im gonna do it.
And I’ll do a lot of exercise.
I hope I dont pass out.
I gotta go, the bell just rang.
Ill write a longer letter later.
Sincerely,
Jasmine*
This note came from my closest cheer friend, scribbled on wide-ruled paper in 1999.
We were teenagers struggling with low self-esteem andbulimia.
WatchingTo the Bonetakes me back to these moments.
Jasmine and I, both black, shared a secret that initiated us into a shameful sisterhood.
But then and now, there’s not enough representation of girls like us with eating disorders.
Jasmine and I did, too, but it was an individual choice, not a community effort.
It started with mymom.
When she was on a diet, I was on a diet.
Naturally, it was hard for her to pick up on my eating habits spiraling out of control.
It was also hard for her to accept it when I told her.
After starting therapy as an adult, I mentioned it to my mother.
She didn’t mean to hurt me, but it was all she knew.
But that attitude only exacerbated my disorder.
I went to a pretty diverse high school in Sacramento.
I prayed for a cure.
I hoped for healing.
I believed in a radical transformation that would allow me to be happy with myself.
It finally happened, but not with my family’s support.
Kendra (Lindsey McDowell) also seeks treatment at the same center as Ellen.
There was nothing about their journeys as black women with an eating disorder.
Even if there were, why should it be a subplot?
Our stories deserve to be told in full.
Not by race, gender, family background, economic status, or any other structure.
Insurance doesn’t always help.
Cost was a major factor preventing me from getting help.
I avoided therapy for around seven years, largely because I was worried it would be too expensive.
My first impulse was no, but school-provided therapy turned out to be free.
Those sessions were my first real step toward healing.
Yes, not everyone in the treatment center has the same body pop in as Ellen.
Eating disorders aremental illness, and mental illness is an internal, individual experience.
It’s offensive and inaccurate to use anything external as the ultimate or only signifier of its severity.
Allen’s recovery weight wouldve been just fine for the film.
I bought into that pervasive myth, too.
Look at me."
Luckily, with time I realized how misguided that kind of thinking is.
It’s alarming, because they’re giving people a handbook.
It’s a missed opportunity.
But I do know that this isn’t it.
*Name changed to protect privacy.
Related:
Watch: What Everyone Gets Wrong About Eating Disorders
