ItsLaverne Cox, and shes trying to find me.
My first thought: I wonder if well become friends after the interview is over.
Were both trans women of color, after all.
Carissa Gallo. Wardrobe Styling by Doria Santlofer. Makeup by Deja Smith. Hair by Kendra Garvey. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty. On Laverne: Dress by Area. Jacket by Levi’s.
My second thought is that I need to focus.
Im a professional journalist here to interview her for a profile.
Yes, its all very exciting.
Carissa Gallo. Wardrobe Styling by Doria Santlofer. Makeup by Deja Smith. Hair by Kendra Garvey. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty. On Laverne: Dress by Norma Kamali.
But come on, Meredith.
Youve met celebrities before.
Snap out of it.
Carissa Gallo. Wardrobe Styling by Doria Santlofer. Makeup by Deja Smith. Hair by Kendra Garvey. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty. On Laverne: Dress by Koche.
I text her back and keep my eyes on my phone as I wait for her to reply.
I must have walked right past you, she says as she approaches me, visor down.
Its only then that she seems to relax and allow herself to be seen, at least partly.
Carissa Gallo. Wardrobe Styling by Doria Santlofer. Makeup by Deja Smith. Hair by Kendra Garvey. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty using Chanel Le Vernis. On Laverne: Bra and shoes by Nike. Jacket by Adidas by Stella McCartney. Shorts by Burberry.
She orders a pot of Earl Grey tea, which she sips languidly throughout our interview.
Cox grew up in Mobile, Alabama.
Performing was this wonderful release for me as a kid, she says.
Carissa Gallo. Wardrobe Styling by Doria Santlofer. Makeup by Deja Smith. Hair by Kendra Garvey. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty using Chanel Le Vernis. On Laverne: Dress by Area. Jacket by Levi’s.
I worked really, really hard, she says.
I understood how hard one must work to really be good at something.
The proof is in the work, Cox emphasizes.
Carissa Gallo. Wardrobe Styling by Doria Santlofer. Makeup by Deja Smith. Hair by Kendra Garvey. Manicure by Emi Kudo at Opus Beauty using Chanel Le Vernis. On Laverne: Bra by Nike. Shorts by Burberry.
We can do the job.
I mean, the only issue is about the opportunity.
I’m OK with that.
Cox has 3.3 million followerson Instagram.
In her Instagram captions, Cox often uses the hashtag #transisbeautifultrans is beautiful.
Cox talks about self-love and self-acceptance as a process that involves work on multiple fronts.
Sometimes you say it until you believe it.
I can’t say I haven’t looked in the mirror and said, Work, bitch.
Cox squares herself, as if to prepare for her affirmation ritual.
Loving myself is a practice, she says.
Beyond therapy and affirmations, Cox is intentional about tending to her physical and emotional well-being.
I still struggle with that.
And then theres her approach to love and dating, which has evolved significantly since she was younger.
I think about my inner child…re-parenting my inner child.
Would that person be safe around my inner child?
If I’m being really real, it was about my ego, she says.
None of that is about a real connection with someone.
It’s about how we might look together in a photo, about superficial shit.
Suddenly, she didnt care about the height thing anymore.
A year and change later, theyre happily in love.
I wanted a man to validate my womanhood or validate that I’m attractive, she says.
Because for so long, so many people have told her that shes not.
I’m not buying it anymore, she says.
I’m not buying into that, I’m not having it.
I’m sexy and I’m going to own that because I think trans women…are sexy.
A lot of us are sexy not despite our transness, but because of our transness.
That’s just the truth.
I understand that I’m very lucky, she says.
I understand that I’ve been chosen.
It makes me sad…its very intense.
That’s what I have to be really careful with, right?
That I’m not just like conspicuously consuming and being materialistic."
Theres something beautiful in that.
But theres also a lot of pressure.
Ultimately, Cox is not just any actor.
Its a process meant to help an actor discover more information about the character, she explains.
I don’t usually take pictures with fans…if I’m not feeling it, she says.
I have guilt about it.
Its another item on the long list of social challenges Cox has to worry about.
Cox is able to ignore certain complaints from her dedicated fans better than others.
For instance, she waves off the commenters who criticize her for dating a white man.
And then you add being trans to that, girl, you could’t be limited.
I don’t think you should limit yourself.
Cox believes that its much better for her to approach dating with an open mind.
I’m going where it’s warm and I’m going where there’s a connection.
That’s not about race, you know?
And shes not particularly preoccupied by the criticism anyway.
I can’t live my life for other people, she says.
It’s really hurtful, I could almost cry right now, Cox continues.
Now people approach her on the street primarily for different reasons, but it doesnt necessarily feel any different.
This is the truth [about] people running up on me in the street, she says.
It’s not like [suddenly] I’m famous and all my traumas have gone away.
They were going to commit suicide and then they transitioned.
And these are beautiful things.
But, it’s also a lot to hear all the time.
Through her tears, a moment of clarity emerges.
I just had my aha moment, she says.
Its that it’s too much.
That’s what it is.
More than anything, though, I feel as if were both absorbing what weve learned from our interaction.
I think about her initial text message, how I had imagined becoming her friend.
Often, as Cox is finding out, its more important to be good to yourself.
Meredith Talusan is an author, journalist, and contributing editor at them.
Her debut memoir,Fairest,is forthcoming from Viking/Penguin Random House.
