I was so happy, it felt unreal.
And there was a ring.
Later, I came to love it even more when I learned its a baguette cut.
Photo byFelix Russell-Sawon Unsplash
I’m a food writer and food loverso of course I love a diamond named after a baguette.
It didnt even fit on my pinky finger.
Here I was in this perfect moment, and my bodyor myfears about my bodywere getting in the way.
My body was too big, even down to my chubby fingers.
My body had betrayed me.
Planning a wedding brought up body image struggles I thought I had left behind.
I know its nonsense, too.
For years I kept quiet about myeating disorder.
I was deeply ashamed at how my values and self-image clashed.
I felt like I knew better.
I believed women in all shapes and sizes could be beautiful.
Except when it came to me.
For me, thinner was better.
And thinner was incredibly hard to achieve.
I recently celebrated six years without binging or restricting.
Sure, sometimes I eat too much or too little.
Sometimes I find myself fixating about dinner.
But I dont use food as a weapon against myself.
The progress has been huge, and my life is so much bigger and better without my eating disorder.
My first attempt at dress shopping only made it worse.
It seemed like a good plan, and I felt a surge of excitement as I booked the appointment.
It wasnt the most flattering look, to put it mildly.
I managed not to cry.
Its not just my dress, though.
I want to look good in pictures.
And good in our size-obsessed culture almost always actually just means thin.
And theres the total uncertainty of candid photos.
Wedding photographers snap hundreds of shots, plenty at unexpected and potentially unflattering moments.
The pressure feels unfair and impossible.
One of the gifts of my recovery is a team of fellows and professionals who get it.
Harrison says this is the right approach.
So when I head on my next shopping expedition, Ill ensure the store stocks inclusive sizes.
And the dress doesnt have to be from a bridal store, or even a department store.
It is my wedding, after all.
I want to wear a dress that feels right, that feels me.
I know shes right.
Of course I do.
But sometimes, especially lately, it helps to have the reminder.
As for the ring, we got it resized and I love wearing it.
Sure, its gorgeous.
And named after a baguette!
I cannot wait to celebrate this in September with the people I love.
I know we will be elated, and I cant think of anything more beautiful than that.
Hannah Howard is a food writer who lives in Brooklyn.
Her memoir,Feast: True Love In and Out of the Kitchen, is coming out in 2018.
