Agoraphobia is often simply defined as a fear of leaving home.
Lane was diagnosed with agoraphobia five years ago after she spent a year without leaving her home.
Back then, just the anticipation of walking down her driveway triggered extreme anxiety.
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She didnt go to any medical or dental appointments.
Lane also lost interest in things that once made her happy, like attendingyogaclasses and gardening.
Then the pandemic hit.
Her answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.
- SELF: How much had you progressed in your agoraphobia treatment before the pandemic?
Before the new coronavirus swept in like a tornado, I made quite a few breakthroughs in therapy.
I was leaving my house to attendyogaclasses once or twice every week.
Yoga has taught me coping skills to use when Im anxious.
It helps slow down my heart rate.
I stopped canceling wellness visits at my doctors office.
Do you know how many times Id told the receptionist that my car ran out of gas?
But I was getting better and meeting some of my treatment goals.
I also visited my mom and sister frequently.
They live close by, which is nice and convenient.
Nothing too exciting, but I was out and about more often.
I embraced the outdoors and the anxiety.
But mypanic attacksdrastically reduced in number.
I was down to only two a month, which was wonderful compared to daily attacks before.
What did you feel when lockdown measures were put in place?
I thought being home would serve as a reward for the progress Id made intherapy.
Two weeks into quarantine, the familiar sense of comfort started to creep in.
I remembered why I stayed at home for an entire year.
Its sad, but I wanted to remain in quarantine forever.
I didnt want things to change, but of course, life will resume.
When I started to really understand that, the fear of regression began to haunt me.
I have already regressed more than I care to admit.
Have you noticed an uptick in your agoraphobia symptoms, especially with lockdown measures being lifted?
I can tell that my symptoms are coming back.
For example, my mother dropped off some plants for me last week.
She knows I enjoy gardening because it makes me feel like Im one with nature.
I grew up with my mom loving flowers and my grandma loving vegetable gardening.
I plant all sorts of flowers, but my favorite is fruits and vegetables.
Last year, I turned my backyard into a wildflower meadow, rather than a traditional grass lawn.
I grew also strawberries, lettuce, kale, carrots, broccoli, andeven loofahs.
They havent moved from that spot because I cant stand to step foot outside my house.
What are you doing to manage your symptoms?
Ive been engaging in weeklyteletherapy.
My therapist encourages me to leave my house twice a week.
Its not the same as being in person.
Its more of a venting session than anything else.
What has your daily life been like since youve been quarantined?
Aside from spending 30 minutes at the beach twice a week, I havent left my house since March.
Quarantining for this long has changed everything.
I practice yoga in my living room.
It eases my anxieties about the near future.
I watch a lot of movies and TV shows.
Recently, I rewatched the first nine seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm, my favorite show.
Then I watched the new season.
Im usually into horror movies or psychological thrillers, however, comedy promotes happiness.
I havent laughed so much in a while.
Now Im watching a dramedy on Netflix called Dead to Me.
Then, by 8 P.M., Im ready to end the day and go to sleep.
The next day, its the same routine.
Whats your biggest fear of returning to life as normal?
I hope the regression that has already happened goes away.
I dont want to start back at square one, walking up and down my driveway for therapeutic reasons.
Leaving my house might always make me anxious.
That feeling may be present for the rest of my life.
But I refuse to spend the rest of my days at home.
