So why are you here today?
It was a reasonable question for my physical therapists assistant to ask.
After all, its his job to know whats wrong with me.
Letizia McCall/Getty Images
I was wondering that myself, in fact.
Physical therapy was new to me.
Especially this kind of physical therapy.
Oh, Im here for pain stuff, I mumbled.
I could feel my cheeks burning and turning red.
Why was I so embarrassed?
Was it because I was socially awkward?
Was it because I thought I was doing this weird stretch incorrectly?
All of those things were true, but they were not the main reason for my discomfort.
My 35-year-old V-A-G-I-N-A, which had never been through the rigors of childbirth, was a big old mess.
My vagina hurtit hurt when I walked and it hurt to sit downand I had no idea why.
My boyfriend was actually the one who suggested I see a doctor, which kicked off this whole journey.
Youre anxious enough as it is, he said.
You dont need to throw worrying about your vagina into the mix.
Ive always been an expert worrier.
As I child, I worried about falling off my bike more than I actually rode my bike.
Worrying became a part of my identity.
Given my tendency to worry, it was only natural that I would stress about my vagina.
The months leading up to when the pain started were as stressful as I could make them.
My vagina stepped up to the challenge.
I laughed to myself.
Clearly this doctor didnt know who she was dealing with.
Tell me again what your symptoms are?
It hurts when I walk, I said, clenching my teeth as she poked around down there.
And even when I sit down sometimes.
Do you think its a tumor or a cyst or something?
Everything seems normal, the doctor told me as she shined a light between my legs.
Hey, do you want to see your cervix?
Um, Im OK, I said.
So why does it hurt then?
Im not sure…let me try something.
She pushed her hands around, moving my labia around every which way.
Just relax, OK?
Nothing to stress about!
And let me know if anything hurts.
She used two hands and pressed down on the outside and inside of the right side of my vagina.
The pain was dull but excruciating.
I think you havevaginismus, she said.
I asked, my vagina clenching even more than before.
Vaginismus, the doctor repeated.
It means that you have a spasticpelvic floor.
A spastic pelvic floor, I repeated to myself.
I definitely checked the box for anxiety, so this was likely the cause of mine.
There is so much tension that it results in pain.
Dilators are not for the purposes of enlarging the vagina, because that isn’t the issue.
They are just to gradually increase your comfort with, well, discomfort."
Pelvic floor physical therapy is exactly what my doctor recommended.
I left her office in a euphoric daze.
I didnt have cancer, a cyst, or a tumor of any kind.
Instead, a medical doctor told me that my vagina was spastic.
I couldnt wait to tell my boyfriend.
Thats not so bad!
And while he was right, in my case, I know I was lucky.
Now, all I had to do was become less anxious and reverse my default state of being.
It seemed daunting, but I was willing to try.
Im stressed about having a stranger massage my vagina, I said to my boyfriend.
I get socially awkward when our neighbor asks me how my day is going.
Well, I can massage yourvaginafor free!
As it turns out, I was awkward and weird about vagina physical therapysurprise!
Lets start with the professional stuff.
It was a very nice office with fresh flowers andHome & Gardenmagazines and pastel pink couches.
It was not unlike a dental office, in fact, except this office doesnt work on your mouth.
It works on yourvagina.
My main physical therapist was a nice, calm, and competent-looking woman whom Ill call Sue*.
She took me back into a room with a doctors bed and asked me all about my vagina.
Have you ever tried to breathe through your vagina?
it’s possible for you to do that?
I said, incredulous.
Is this some common piece of knowledge Ive missed?
Its a breathing exercise, she explained.
Undress from the bottom down and Ill show you.
My vagina instantly spasmedthings were about to get awkward.
I followed Sues directive and lay down on the bed with a thin paper sheet over my bottom half.
Now, I want you to think of your vagina as a flower
Oh yes, I interrupted.
I mean, all vaginas are beautiful flowers, am I right?
She stared blankly at me before continuing.
Think of a flower blossoming, opening and closing its petals.
I want you to do the same thing with your vagina.
Sue then lifted the paper sheet and stared between my legs.
Give it a try, she said, Ill watch.
Imagery and directed breathing facilitates the mind-body connection through attention to the senses, Danenhauer tells SELF.
And so I tried this pop in of imagery.
I channeled the wisdom of my therapist and reminded myself that I was in the hands of a professional.
And then things got really awkward.
After a few rounds of breathing, Sue said, Im going to put pressure on the affected area.
It should hurt a bit but it should feel like Im pressing on a knot on your back.
The most effective technique Sue used was to place two fingers inside and exert pressure on the affected area.
She also massaged my inner thigh, which she told me has muscles connected to the pelvic floor.
As she warned, it hurt.A lot.
But she was also right that it hurt like a deep-tissue massage, because thats essentially what it was.
The goal is to target certain trigger points so that the spasms cease.
I have seen marked changes in just three to six sessions, Danenhauer says.
However, I’ve also worked with women for over a year on their pelvic floor muscle spasms.
When I do that, the world seems a little less hectic and a little less intense.
When I do that, I know my vagina and I can handle anything.
*Name has been changed.
