Right after she escaped her abuser, Sophia was petrified to be alone.
A friend stayed with her in her apartment, and Sophia literally followed her from room to room.
“I wasnt able to take care of myself,” Sophia tells SELF.
Jocelyn Tsaih
“She would have to remind me to eat and help me go grocery shopping.
The best way to describe it is that I was a zombie.”
Scared that her abuser would find her, Sophia was often too afraid to leave the house.
Jocelyn Tsaih
“I was a wreck,” she says.
Almost three years later, Sophia has made incredible strides in her healing process.
A seasonal component makes it especially hard.
Jocelyn Tsaih
On a winter night in early 2015, Sophia’s boyfriend raped her.
The next night, he continued the abuse.
He strangled her until she blacked out.
Jocelyn Tsaih
He videotaped her trying to defend herself with a champagne bottle, saying hed show the world how abusiveshewas.
He called her a retard, a cunt, a stupid bitch.
She managed to get away, grab her dog, and run to a friends house.
Jocelyn Tsaih
Sophia pressed charges, and her abuser was jailed for what he did to her.
But the memories persist.
“The cooling of the air from summer to fall is also a trigger, especially here in Maine.
PTSD affects7.7 millionAmericans over 18 in a given year.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) lists the criteria for a clinical PTSD diagnosis.
Sometimes triggers persist well after a survivor has left the abusive relationship.
Crunching gravel in New Hampshire doesnt mean the same thing, but my body didn’t know the difference.
It just hears it and immediately goes into alert.
Shes right: We’re hardwired to safeguard ourselves from danger, Dr. Warshaw says.
Stress hormones and other chemicals pump through our body when we experience fear.
This physiologicalfight-or-flightresponse can linger even after the dangers gone.
Due to the nature of his job, Kathys ex used to come home with a distinctive rancid scent.
He wouldnt shower, and he would rape me with that stench all over him, she says.
Kathys come a long way in her healing process.
Its known as re-experiencing symptoms of PTSD.
Last night I had a nightmare about him.
Its all very vivid, she tells SELF.
Gaslighting is an abusive manipulation tactic meant to loosen someones grip on reality.
Experiencing something like that even once would be psychologically disorienting.
Every day, I have to tell myself Im capable of making OK choices, Melanie says.
I think about how much I let get by me with my ex.
It makes you question your ability to have strong decision-making skills.
In turn, many survivors must give a shot to build back what was tamped down during the experience.
Every day beyond that point is them fighting to get back, to stand on level ground.
A common one is cognitive: Many survivorshave trouble concentrating.
I couldnt just sit down and write things out, she says.
Melanie is still grappling with this symptom.
When she was younger, she had laser focus, digesting long movies and books with ease.
Theres also an emotional component to her daze.
This is affecting her current relationship with someone she describes as a wonderful person.
I know that the world is not my abuser.
Its a much kinder, more open place.
But its a paralyzing conflict.
Some survivors find that their PTSD experience includes debilitating panic attacks.
Lynn says she had her firstpanic attackin the middle of a violent encounter with her abuser.
Believing he wasnt going to leave her alone, she decided to move 1,000 miles across the country.
Although he continued to have a go at contact her, he eventually left the country.
Once he moved to the other side of the world, Lynn settled into a feeling of relative safety.
On other occasions, the root cause is clear.
Some survivors turn tocounseling or therapy, of which there are many different kinds.
There’s the approach that people usually think of: talking about your struggles.
For some survivors, therapy works especially well in conjunction withmeditation.
Melanie took up the practice after her counselor mentioned how beneficial it can be.
According to theEMDR Institute, the treatment was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories.
It’s helped Lynn make good progress in managing her PTSD.
Whether they seek therapy or not, some survivors have to do the heavy emotional lifting on their own.
One essential part is learning how to deal with the flood of emotions triggers can release.
Kathy takes a similar tactic.
She has never tried counseling.
She started volunteering as a domestic violence advocate in 1998.
Her husband is financially supporting their family while she pursues her calling.
I could not have ever dreamed of a more encouraging partner, she says.
With every person I helped, I was saying, eff you.
Im not worthless, I am useful, I am strong, I am smart, I am capable.
That gave me strength.
She also wants to spread awareness about healthy relationships and domestic violence.
It takes time and patienceits not linear, she explains.
But theres no reason people cant expect to heal.
*Name has been changed.
