Ellen DiResta Cain unexpectedly got pregnant at 42.
Heres her story about what it was like to readjust, as told to health writer Julia Ries.
My partner and I always had a great sex life.
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Then I unexpectedly gotpregnantwhen I was 42.
Even though the pregnancy was by no means planned, I was elated.
Throughout those nine months, oursex lifewas really good.
We always found ways to keep it fun and exciting.
Right after our baby was born, my partner and I didnt rush to have sex again.
I had anemergency C-sectionwhich is amajorabdominal surgeryand my body was healing.
My husband didnt pressure me, I didnt put pressure on myself, and I wasnt stressed about it.
Id just had a babyI was in a state of bliss.
Still, Iwas notready for how different it felt, and how painful.
It felt as if nothing had ever been in myvagina, like I had never had sex before.
Get out of here.
I was scared there might be ripping or tearing.
It didnt seem like his body part could fit into mine, so we stopped.
I was like, Okay, clearly Im not ready.
Shes one of the best ob-gyns in Los Angeles, but she had a very clinical approach.
There wasnt a whole lot of, Oh, I know how youre feeling!
It was very matter-of-fact.
This time we used coconut oil as a lube, which definitely eased the pain.
It still hurt, but having slipperiness in the mix was a game changer.
It still took some time for the pain during sex to dissipate altogethermy nerves played a role too.
Its like getting a shot in your arm: You anticipate it really hurting, so you tense up.
After we crossed that threshold, it was like, Oh, we did it!
But its not like our sex life was instantly restored.
Its hard to step out of that incessant logical thinking.
Its like your brain is wired differently.
Physically, there was a lot going on too.
That phrase touched out is so real.
I worried about whether we were having sex enough.
I felt like my boobs looked great when I was wearing a shirt because they were big and full.
Underneath, they were chapped, bloody, and peeling.
Its hard to feel sexy with all of that going on.
You stand and look at yourself in the mirror and think,I dont recognize this body.
This body doesnt look like my body.
This body doesnt feel like my body.
Because of my ageI was 43we had to move quickly.
Not to mention, I stoppedbreastfeedingaround this time, and my boobs changedagain.
It was like they were deflated pieces of skin.
I was like, Wait a second, I just had awesome-looking boobs, and now theyre gone.
I got pregnant again, but around 13 weeks in, I had a miscarriage.
I wanted my son to have a sibling so badly.
We werent having sex on a whimbut, rather, sex on a slot on a calendar.
I felt tired and stressed out.
In the back of my mind, though, Id think, Let this be the one.
There was a goal, which is different than when youre just having sex for fun.
Eventually we decided, You know whatwere good.
This is what its meant to be for us.
Once we made the decision to stop trying so hard for a second child, the pressure evaporated.
I practicedyoga, which made me feel in touch with my body again.
I tried to be patient with myself.
If anintrusive thought about sexcrept into my head, I told myself, All right, thats there.
Just let it pass.
Shifting our mindset was life-changing for our sex life.
We let go, and its so much better now.
Sex became spontaneous and frequent again.
It was very freeing.
Looking back, its like I was in the middle of a storm.
Itabsolutelytook more than six weeks to feel good in my body again during sex.
If I could go back and give my postpartum self some advice, I would say, Dont panic.
Go through these phases, and let them feel safe, but they are going to change.
Youre going to get there.
Just take the time you need.
