With a flourish, she handed me a glass of champagne and presented the cake.
It was decorated like a bottle of gin.
Its wonderful, I said, trying to sound grateful.
Jack Andersen / Getty Images / Design by Stephanie Indrajo
Yet something sharp and rusty poked through my tone.
But Im more than that, right?
She laughed and refilled my glass, because, of course, Id emptied it in seconds.
I guess, she replied.
You have to admit, though, sweetie…drinking is your thing.
That was the day I realized something I had never admitted to myself.
I went back through my photos and calendar from the previous year.
We just really, really loved drinking, and much of the time, it loved us back.
Yet I couldnt shake the image of that cake.
It started a ripple of questions that I found exceedingly hard to answer without a glass in my hand.
Was it possible that drinking wasnt something I did, but who I had become?
And is that really who I wanted to be?
I knew the answer.
I just didnt like it.
That might kick off a Google search about what constitutes a healthy amount.
TheNational Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholismputs the maximum for women at seven drinks per week.
Those guidelines were developed based on potential health risks, not possible addiction issues, he says.
Plenty of women drink more than those amounts and dont have a problem, he says.
Those numbers cant be your true starting point if youre looking at your own consumption.
you better begin with thewhyinstead of thehow much.
In the psychology field, alcohol use was once seen from a more black-and-white perspective, he adds.
You were either an alcoholic or you werent.
Previously, the DSM had only two categories of disorder: alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence.
But now, theres a condition called alcohol use disorder with mild, moderate, and severe sub-classifications.
Where you fall within this span often depends on why you drink and what happens when you do.
Do you always tend to have more than you planned?
But for some people, alcohol becomes their only tool for dealing with difficult emotions.
And thats something to take a good look at.
I remembered a conversation I had with my partner, whos never been much of a drinker.
She expressed some concern (um…what red flag?)
But the real answer turned out to be, Everybody I know does.
We tend to associate with people who drink about as much as we do, she says.
The fear of losing friendships is big, Wallace says.
For instance, you may have to shift how you spend your time.
Your friends are off to wine pairing dinners and bar crawls and youre…doing what?
Wistfully watching their scroll of happy-fun-time pics on social media?
Suddenly, abstinence doesnt feel so healthy anymore.
Some people might find that need to cultivate a different group of core friends, says Wallace.
If youre trying to be healthy, you want to be surrounded by other healthy people.
Thats the only way to sustain your efforts to take care of yourself.
So, I decided to embark on an odyssey of moderation.
I would limit myself to two drinks per day, I told myself.
Or I would only drink when I was out, and not keep any in the house.
Or I would be dry during the week but drink as much as I wanted on the weekends.
For instance, does it take two drinks before your drinking gets fuzzy?
Block encourages people to look at issues like these, and then set goals.
Moderation isnt universally loved, though.
For example, genetics can play a major part in the divide between delight and addiction.
One might develop a problematic relationship to alcohol, and the other might not.
Because of genetics and emotional factors.
Its much more complex than just the amount that youre drinking.
For many of my friends, drinking is still a lovely leisure activity that they do quite often.
To be honest, I was jealous.
Maybe I always will be.
Because I gave moderation a shot and it simply didnt work for me.
I tried a dry month a few times.
Then, I limited the number of drinks I had per eventpromising myself that I would have a two-drinks-maximum.
On and on it went, with each attempt resulting in broken vows to myself.
So, about seven months ago, I quit drinking.
She fell into a coma after a particularly hard bender, and never re-emerged.
That question can prompt a simple declaration or a complicated, thorny, worth-it journey.
For me, I realized that I drank to numb out, even in times of joy and celebration.
But I finally realized thats not relaxation; its erasure.
I still see a couple of my former drinking pals for coffee or yoga.
But, sadly, many others have dropped away.
I thought we had so much in common, but that wasn’t the case.
I don’t fault them, I know that twitch well.
Although we still follow each other on social media, our lives have diverged.
Maybe that would have happened anyway, with or without sobriety.
But, deep down, I doubt it.
Ive had plenty of moments of yearning to be back in that old, familiar habit.
But Ive also noticed a subtle shift in my brain when that numbness isnt available.
It stays awake instead.
I feel more curious, but also more humbled.
Remembering everything, all the time?
To be fair, that cake was actually delicious, and so were many parts of that lush life.
I dont regret any of itI just want a different answer now.
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