In fact, you might be alone if youhavent.
We pick up on it very quickly and often irrationally.
Emphasis on irrationallyaMean Girlslevel clique doesnt actually have to dismiss you for you to feel shitty.
Illustration of group of friends sitting around table
In reality, theyre using a program designed to include or exclude them to various degrees.
Like,reallyhate it.
Why, nevertheless, does it hurt like hell when a stranger doesnt toss us a ball?
First, cut yourself some slack.
We dont magically grow out of feeling left out at a certain age.
So when we see a cohesive collective?Of coursewe want to be part of it.
More than that, though, its how were wired.
We believe those who were sensitive to ostracism were at an evolutionary advantage, Dr. Williams says.
If you were ousted, you were going to die.
We use the same neural architecture to detect and experience both.
Even wilder, someresearchhas shown that people feel better in the face of rejection when they pop acetaminophen first.
(But Dr. Williams calls that more theoretically interesting than practically applicableput down the Tylenol, just.)
Pain aside, the psychological effects of feeling excluded are no joke either.
It threatens theneed to belong, Dr. Williams says.
It threatens the need to maintain a reasonably highself-esteem.
It threatens the need to feel that you have control over your social situation.
And it threatens your sense of being acknowledged and worthy of attention.
All of those things are the building blocks of what Dr. Williams calls meaningful existence.
In other words, uh, why wouldnt you care?
But you might get better atrespondingto the negative feelings that inevitably pop up.
In the moment, you could focus on making yourself feel betteror at least stopping yourself from stewing.
If the feeling sticks around, you might need to examine it more closely.
Asking yourself What am I feeling and why?
tends to be a good place to start.
Maybe theres a local group for that.
For that reason, he recommends bolstering foundational mental health skills likemindfulness,self-affirmation,emotional regulation, andresilience.
As for whatnotto do, Dr. Williams warns against a common reaction: avoidance.
What that means is you dont put yourself out there, Dr. Williams says.
Its a relief to know that we all find this painful, Dr. Williams says.
Its not a problem that you feel this way.
Its how you deal with it that makes a difference.
