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I had the phrase “not a unicorn” in myTinder profilefor years.
Getty / Mint Images / grinvalds
Instead it was to cut down on messages from couples who were “unicorn-hunting.”
The problem here isnt in the desire.
Its in the harmful and objectifying ways some people go about finding someone to fulfill that desire.
As a pansexual cisgender woman who also happens to bepolyamorous, I am frequently hunted as a unicorn.
I find the verb apt for how Im often treated on dating apps.
When I had not a unicorn in my profile, it wasnt because I was against threesomes or triads.
And thats only when the couples were actually upfront.
To put it lightly, this is Not Cool.
I want you to find your third, and I want your third to feel safe and respected.
So lets talk about how to ensure that everyones desires and needs are fulfilled responsibly.
Before you begin your search, there are a few things you should do first.
So check in with yourself first: What are you looking for?
Is it a one-off sexual encounter?
Do you really even want your partner involved?
How are you willing to compromise those desires and how arent you?
She suggests that you ask yourself, Who is this really for?
Whose pleasure is being prioritized?
Seriously, pretend youre a potential third for a moment.
Otherwise you could be putting yourself in a situation that could be anything from awkward to dangerous.
Then take a stab at be steadfast inasserting your boundaries, though thats much easier said than done.
When practicing non-monogamy,communicatingin ways that are open, authentic, and not harmful becomes especially important.
Then it’s possible for you to get into the nitty-gritty together.
This will most likely take several conversations.
any tweaks you make to find a middle ground.
After youve concluded that youre both on the same page,double-check youre both on therightpage.
*, 30, a sexually fluid woman, tells SELF.
A common misconception is that those who practice non-monogamy dont get jealous.
But you have to be open todiscussingthem.
This can be as simple as talking through what youll do if feelings like jealousy arise.
This is also a good opportunity to assess how you communicate in general.
Now its time to actually search for your third.
It comes down to honesty, respect, and communication.
Noticing some common themes?
Manyappshave prefs you’re able to use to indicate that youre a couple or practicing non-monogamy.
Utilizing that can help more of the right people swipe right and the wrong people swipe left.
That last part is so, so important.
c’mon be honest about your needs.
Its generally considered uncool within non-monogamy to create checkboxes that a potential third has to tick off.
It can be dehumanizing to ask someone to scrunch themselves into a box for your benefit, so dont.
Remember: Theres someone else on the other side of that screen!
You’re not building someone made to order; youre dealing with fully-formed human beings.
Finally, be mindful of your language.
Most of us dont want to be referred to as a birthday gift or a wild night.
Once rapport is established, you might ask something like, What are you looking for on this app?
This shows that youre interested in their needs, desires, and boundaries.
Then hear them out.
You cant get close to a truly mutually beneficial arrangement unless youre all honest with each other.
Remember that the goal is a satisfying experience for all three of you.
You and your partner may be an established couple, but the three of you are individuals.
The potential third has sexual and emotional needs theyre hoping to have met too.
There are so many ways of making people feel secondary, unseen, and worthless, Simon explains.
*Names have been changed to grant anonymity upon request.
